Golf. (Credit: Soheb Zaidi/Unsplash)
Once or twice a year I get invited to play in a golf outing. Usually, a group has a fourth who can’t make it last minute and I get the replacement call. On the one hand, it’s great to be able to play for free at a country club with all the food and booze I want. On the other hand, I’m usually 3rd or 4th on the list. Basically, “we like you, but you’re not really in our top four people we like”. It’s all good, I don’t need BFF’s, I need free golf.
Most outings are at a fairly nice country club. For me, it is a window into the world of affluent golf addicts. You get to see the clubhouse, pro shop, and even locker rooms of the club world. It’s kind of like renting a Rolls-Royce for the day. For the public golfer this window into the country club world which leads to the sin of envy. For the country club golfer, it is a chance to see another club and scoff at its shortcomings compared to their club; Pride. Either way, there is sinning going on.
But an outing isn't just playing a great course, you are also plied with food and drink, especially drink, for the day. Outings are tailored to alcoholics or they attempt to turn you into an alcoholic. Free booze at the clubhouse, two or three stocked bars on the course, and also a cart girl driving around with a stocked cart just in case you haven’t thrown up yet. I’m not a big drinker, so for me, it is overkill, but for many it is a wonderful drinking marathon.
Outings are usually a "scramble" format, meaning everyone takes a shot, and you move to the best shot of the four and repeat. Basically, you only need one good shot out of four to do well. Sounds easy, but when I’m in the group, you might as well make it one out of three. People are not inviting me into their group for my golf skills. But there are teams that do exactly that.
Which brings me to the three types of outing teams: The “brutally honest”, the “taking it seriously”, and the “alcoholics”. The brutally honest are the ones just playing to have fun. They try their best and hope that their four under par will win them a $10 gift certificate for third place, but inevitably they lose by 15 strokes. The “taking it seriously” group means business and selects a team based purely on golf ability. At least one player is a scratch golfer/ringer they found on Reddit. For this group it is only about winning, and usually there are 3 or 4 of this group at every outing. The final group are the alcoholics. They are purely there to party their arses off and funnel as much free booze as possible. The amazing thing is that they are such good drinkers that you barely notice how drunk they are. In addition, they are a wild card in terms of golf success. Some groups finish dead last, while others get super powers and win.
Almost always there is a “Hole-In-One” prize on a couple of the holes. Typically, the hole is put in an impossible spot, so there is no chance of actually winning. For this outing, there were two hole-in-one prizes. One prize was a car…well not exactly a car, but a 3-year lease on a car, which isn’t too shabby. Remarkably, the other prize was a Yeti cooler? Yes, folks, you could either win a car or cooler. I like a cooler as much as the next guy, but a car versus a cooler just isn’t right.
The other on-course competition was the longest drive. I had no chance of coming within 150 yards, so I lived vicariously through my group. In this particular outing, one of my partners smacked a great drive down the fairway. We all thought he had it in the bag but as we neared his 300 yard drive our joy turned into disbelief as his drive was 70 yards short of the winning drive. You’d think the winner would be some 300 pound monster of a man, but usually it is some lanky 22-year-old that just hit puberty.
The bottom line is that most outings are for a worthy charity, and that’s what they are all about. Everyone getting together for a good cause. Many holes are sponsored, and these outings bring a great amount of money to charities for veterans, mental health or cancer research. A day of golf, food, and booze is never a bad thing, and I assume everyone gets home safely, even the lanky kid who won a golf bag for his 380 yard drive.
